Have a car? Yes? I can’t blame you: cars are pretty cool. Know how to take care of that care? No? I can’t blame you: cars are pretty complicated.
The door handle of my car has fallen off six times this week alone, I haven’t checked my oil or tire pressure in six months, and my car can’t go in reverse—it just groans and then spins out of control. Are you experiencing similar problems? I’ve compiled some car care tips for your benefit—and mine.
During the cold of winter, start your car and allow it to run for fifteen minutes before driving anywhere. Driving with a cold engine block can increase engine wear.
Always carry jumper cables (or a jumper box) in your car in case your battery dies. I didn’t do this, so I had to wave down a strange bearded man to jump start my car at 10 pm a few weeks ago. I haven’t slept since.
Ice covering your windshield? Defrost it by turning your heater on full-blast, or at the very least use an ice scraper. I got pulled over the other day because my back windshield was too frosted to see through.
Know how to check and change your oil—oil lubricates your engine and keeps things running smoothly.
Every few months, pour performance enhancing fluid into your gas tank to increase your car’s fuel efficiency. Make sure that the fluid matches your engine type.
Use a sponge and toothpaste to remove grime from headlights. I haven’t brushed my teeth in seven days, but my headlights look kind of okay.
Keep a flashlight in your glovebox. The flashlight can be used to blind the things that lurk in the dark, especially homeless people.
Do not ride your brakes while going downhill or make many sudden stops. Doing so will wear down your breaks
Bleed and replace your engine’s coolant fluid once a year (use a 50/50 ratio of distilled water and coolant for the best results).
Never wash the exterior of your car. Eventually, the grime will build up and act as camouflage. You’ll be able to stalk deer in your car through the forest without any neighbors calling the police.
Apply car wax to your vehicle every six months. Your car will look shiny, and the local bees will protect your car because it smells like a bee hive.
On sunny days, protect the interior plastic and upholstery of your car from drying out by parking in the shade or blocking your windows with sun screens.
Bleed and replace brake fluid once a year. Make sure your car is upside down before doing this. Without brake fluid to stop it, your car will try to run away. You can’t let it spread any of your secrets.
Know where you car’s towing hitches are. If you ever need to be pulled out of the mud, the rescue vehicle’s winch will attach to these hitches to pull you out.
Know the make, model, and year of your car—it lets your car know that you care.
Don’t leave unopened cans or bottles of liquid in your car on extremely hot or cold days: they explode.
Check your tire pressure regularly, especially during the Winter. When it gets cold, your tires will try to migrate South by over inflating and floating into the air. Deflate them with mean comments to keep them from leaving. They know too much to be set free.
Stuck in the snow? Place your car mats underneath your tires to give your car some traction and you just might get out.